


Light

by Mjf004



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Other, Post Civil War, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, rainy Rome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 18:06:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10791906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mjf004/pseuds/Mjf004
Summary: "You're the light and since you been gone, I've been living in darkness."





	Light

The temperature of the ancient city, Rome, dropped noticeably that last Sunday of October. Everyone in the city paid a visit to the attics after the weather forecast the night before. The large pale umbrellas were out, along with the long rain boots and the thick colored coats. Alarmed and ready for the wet season.

The dull winter sky couldn't be more depressing behind the huge glass windows of Tony Stark's hotel suite that after noon. The gray sky was crammed with darkened clouds. It was obvious that they were packed densely with rain, blocking the sunlight away. The golden color of the beaming sun wasn't anywhere to be found behind those clouds. Tony sipped on what seemed to be his 8th cup of coffee, waiting for that little hint of happiness. The sunlight's warmth was the only thing that'd bring him a little comfort, the only thing that'd bring him that heated feeling of hope. Something about it's color warmed him up everyday, offering him quiet moments to feel alive for a bit. He'd been feeling cold for a long while, the vicious fire inside him wasn't warming his blood anymore. He could still feel the chill running in his veins no matter how hard he tried. His hollow chest needed the heat, yearned for comfort but the agonizing pain had intertwined to his soul, it was impossible to feel warm again. The emptiness was always there, there wasn't any getting away from it, there wasn't a shelter from it. A sad sigh left the dehydrated lips, "Even the light has left." He murmured under his breath, struggling to keep his bloodshot eyes open. The pain seeped out his eyes, it sat in the brown orbs since his childhood. They were burning like hell, he didn't taste sleep in days. Or maybe it was the crying that caused the burning feeling.

Tony sank into his armchair, analyzing the empty black coffee cup, comparing it to himself. Soon after that, heavy rain started to pour mercilessly upon the city, blurring the windows, soaking and pounding the narrow streets with water. Unclear tiny circular shapes began to appear above the running people. A low sigh escaped the man's throat. He wasn't a huge fan of rainy days, he had barely experienced them. But it seemed like it might bring something new to his dead spirit. He decided to walk under the rain, down the streets of Rome that night. He thought of grabbing another cup of coffee from that cozy café down the street, seeing some happy faces and hearing the sounds of laughter. Maybe come across cute children and relaxing sights, the loneliness was killing him. Although he battled with depression pretty much all his life, he had always medicated it with the company of those whom he loved and cared about. Eased it with drinking and tinkering. Distracted himself with sex. But he ended those habits, he sobered up for the sake of his medication. Little did he know that the medication would abandon him over silly causes.

 

The night fell upon the city faster than he thought. It was dark and cold outside and the rain didn't take a rest. Tony lazily threw a thick expensive Navy coat around his body, grabbed an umbrella he bought yesterday with him and left the boring hotel. He put up his umbrella, making sure it's covering him perfectly and then he crossed the street. Splashes of water flew free every time his heavy boots laid on the cobbled streets. The ground was shining with unclear water, bringing up a distinct fragrance of rain mixed with the strong scent of fresh grass. Tony had to pause and take in the smell, filling his lungs with it. He could see clouds of his breath in front of him when he finally exhaled. The genius found himself quite amazed by the fact that he was still breathing. It felt nice and surprisingly, the feeling didn't diminish immediately like always. It stayed for a couple of minutes, stroking his insides with ease. He started walking slowly down the wet street, scanning the familiar place, enjoying the feeling while it lasted.

The signature sand-colored buildings lined the street beautifully, adding a bit of warmth to the gloomy effect.  
Kids were skipping from side to side, thrilled with the splashy and slippery sidewalks. Their giggles filled the district with innocence and happiness. A group of friends were laughing cheerfully at their soaking wet clothes. A guy shielding his lover from the rain under his jacket as they ran inside a small diner. A happy family of four came out of a restaurant that filled the spot with the smell of tomato sauce and red wine. Pigeons hiding under the covered benches and stray cats gathered in the small alleyway next to the bakery.

Stark continued walking cautiously, taking in the air that carried different additions of scents as he went on. The sound of raindrops slamming against the thin surface of his umbrella had a satisfying feeling to it. It felt peaceful and somehow relaxing. He couldn't remember the last time sounds had brought him such feelings but he knew that it was a long time ago. 

The sound of his mother's voice chuckling from his goofy jokes, the sound of Malibu's ocean, the roars of his car's engine. Natasha's singing, Rhodes, Bruce's and Steve's No's, he'd always found them amusing.

 

The unmistakable coffee aroma caught his attention, throwing him out of his little zone out. To his left was the small cafe he'd take his caffeine from every morning. The gentle light from its square windows and the foggy smoke from its chimney made him feel cozy already. He didn't hesitate to go inside and order his usual drink. 

The little bell rang as he swung the door open and almost half of the customers stole a quick glance at him. Although it was a Sunday night, the place was packed with people. No one could recognize him anyways, the full salt and pepper beard that made him look a couple of years older, made it hard to identify the hero. He snapped his umbrella shut and made his way to the counter, plastering a fake smile on the weary face of his. "Hello Sir! Good evening." The beautiful young barista greeted him with a wide grin, "Hey Dina, how are you dear?" He tonelessly asked her. He wasn't necessarily caring about her status, he enjoyed watching a happy person, he always found a little ball of sunshine in her smile that made him feel slightly good. She beamed at him, "I'm great," Dina replied with her thick accent, "But you don't look great like me." She pouted playfully, hoping to get a reaction out of him. Tony knitted his eyebrows in disbelief, "Me? I'm always great." He lied but wished to tell the honest truth. "Are you sure about that?" She rested her arm on her waist, playing with a sensitive string but Tony couldn't spill easily. He nodded confidently, "I am." He wore another fake smile and she nodded, still not fully convinced. She then looked directly at him and suggested his drink, "The usual?"  
"Yes please." He reached for his wallet and gave her his credit card. Tony stepped to the side, allowing the other costumers to order. They were a mid-twenties couple with a little blond boy that kept tugging on his mother's coat, dying to get his toy out of her hands. The toy finally slipped from her hands and landed next to Stark's boots. Tony gave a small smile at the child's behavior and hurried to pick it up for him.

The kid gazed up at Tony with curiosity crossing his little face. He approached slowly and snatched the toy from Tony's hands and ran to hide behind his mother. "The things I won't ever possess." He thought as he looked at the small family moving to queue behind him. Dina finally came with a tray that had a large mug of latte on along side a generous slice of chocolate cake, "I didn't order tha-" Tony started but she held up her hand to shush him, "It's from me. You need a little sweetness, Iron Man." She offered him another cheerful grin and put down the tray on the counter, knowing he didn't like to be handed things directly. He'd told her that the first time he ordered. He smirked up at her, "Thanks."

 

At the far corner of the cafe, Next to the small vases of tulips, Tony found the perfect spot to sit in. He carried his tray with him and sat on the wooden chair with the window to his right. He wrapped his fingers around the mug handle and held it up to his lips. The first sip burnt his throat with heat and glazed his tongue with bitterness. A part of him wished that the hotness would be enough to melt the ice that froze his chest, but it couldn't. He reached for another sip and then let his eyes wander outside the window. He wasn't thinking of the walking people outside, Tony found himself thinking of that Italian girl, thinking of Dina. She was the only one that recognized him from day one, she said that his eyes gave it away easily. He didn't realize how nice it felt to see someone asking about his well-being every day, he'd lost that feeling. Nat and Rhodey were always asking and caring about his mental and physical health but they weren't there anymore, they got tired of his crap. He wished they'd be there to take away his sorrow, ease his ache.

 

He wished he could tell someone like Dina the truth. Pour his heart out to someone who'd listen and sooth his soul but he'd always turned that opportunities down. Tony didn't want to bring misery to people's lives he believed that his only mission was to protect them, even if it costed him his own life. He didn't seem to care anyways, about his life or his health. He had the thoughts of ending it himself. "Who'd come to my funeral? " He asked himself every night, "who's gonna be the first one to forget? Will someone actually care or they're gonna be happy at last? Will the flags be at half staff? will they grieve?"

Tony put down his mug and grabbed the slim fork instead. He took a quick look at the happy barista and began tasting the good looking dessert. It's sweetness washed the bitter taste away, melting into his mouth like butter. He indeed needed the sugar. As he enjoyed his latte and cake, clearing his hazy brain a little with the sound of rain and the cafe's piano music, the door had swung open a couple of times. Being, well Tony he paid no heed to who entered and who existed but the sudden howl of a teenage lady had caught his attention. His head jerked up automatically. He could totally tell that she let that escape her mouth because of that muscular man in the dark hoodie who'd just entered the place. Stark hung his head low again, back to the misty thoughts.

Short seconds after the lusty howl, a shadow of a large man reflected on Tony's table. He could see his broad figure from the corner of his eyes. Tony sighed and looked up calmly. The moment his eyes met the sharp blue ones, his heart palpitation had become severe. His own stomach clenched painfully with a surge of rage followed quickly by a strong urge to punch the guy. The blue orbs were softer than he remembered, under them were fragile scarred skin, tinted with the lightest shade of purple. The face was still clean but touched with a light stubble, lips ever so thin pressed tightly and the brownish eyebrows were sagging a bit. "What the hell are you doing here?" Stark blurted bitterly but the captain expected it, "I came to bring my friend back," Steve Rogers told his hurt mate, "May I sit please?" He asked but the stubbornness denied Tony from responding. He bit his tongue too hard he could taste his blood as it leaked from it. Both anger and loathness were building up inside him. "I'll take this as a yes." Steve placed his water bottle on the tray. He shakily folded his huge arms over the table and studied the worn face.

 

Out of all the people he could've seen that night, Steve Rogers decided to have the unpleasant honor. A guy he considered a friend, a brother. Seeing him provoked his poorly patched heart. The eternal pressure started to push the bottled up emotions to an edge, ready to burst out violently at any second.

 

Tony balled up his hands under the table into tight fists, begging for his feelings to calm down. "How did you find me, Rogers." He said through gritted teeth, trying but failing at hiding the unhappiness and hurt. "All roads lead to Rome right?" The captain was making an effort at keeping his features as soft as possible, seeking a calm conversation with Stark. They both knew it was impossible. "Do I look like I'm in a joking mode?" Tony unrestrainedly snapped, "How did you find me, Rogers?" He repeated impatiently. His body shook with annoyance, knocking the calm mask off. That ninth cup of coffee might been a mistake, all of his nerves were taut.

 

Steve looked around, making sure they weren't making a scene. "Tony, I need you to rela -" Steve began, but Tony cut him off icily, "You don't get to call me that anymore." Steve's mouth froze and stayed open, wanting to comprehend the uncharacteristic cold in Stark's voice but he knew that he was the reason behind it. He drew a long breath in, barely managing his calmness too. "We got help from Friday, we were hopeless." He answered the question. "Fucking AI's," Tony thought but remained silent. Steve fiddled with his hands, finding a safe way to start the conversation. "How have you been Tony? We've been worried." He finally asked but his tone was clearly lacking the genuineness. Tony smiled weakly at the fake concern, "Yeah I can tell, it's unbelievably obvious." He sarcastically replied to the Captain's question, that only made him feel lower.

 

Steve lowered his head and swallowed hard, cursing his ability to express. His hands trembled as they he lightly drummed against the table. He stared at them before lifting his head again to explain the surprise visit. "I didn't realize it until the day you've left us Stark. All these years, the indescribable things you've been doing for us and we ... I took you for granted. And this is all," He paused, hating to admit the truth. "I did this to us, and I hated doing it. Believe me." Steve thought he threw some of the weight off his shoulders but he didn't. "I never knew you were the man that glued us all together." He continued, aiming to take the edge off Tony's temper.

 

Tony's blood started to boil from Steve's nonsense. He stiffened in his chair staring into space behind Steve's shoulders. He wanted to believe him, he tried so hard but a million reasons in his mind proved the opposite of Roger's words. "I realized that," he paused for a moment, "You're the light and since you been gone, I've been living in darkness, we are all living in darkness." It took a lot of courage from Steve to admit the truth, he just didn't know he was adding more gasoline to the fire. Tony held his head between his hands, not able to stand the made up things Steve was babbling about. It was beginning to attack him more than comforting him. "Stop," Tony mumbled, raking his fingers through his dark hair that've been kissed with little gray hairs and started to pull on it. "Everything's wrecked and unanchored without you Stark. I'm tremendously sorry for what happened.."

 

"Please stop." Tony winced from the pain as the flashbacks of his mother and Siberia's fight hit his brain like a train. He couldn't take one more word from the guy who betrayed him. Rapidly against the rib cage, his heart hammered inside his chest, Metal and fire replaced the air inside his lungs.

 

"You are loved, probably more than you know." Steve recklessly went on regardless of Tony's state, "You may not realize it but-"

 

"Stop fucking lying to me Rogers!" Stark abruptly roared overly loud with uncontrollable anger, bringing the whole cafe to silence where only the sound of music kept going. Steve snapped his mouth shut not daring to say another word. He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair unthinkingly. Tony, however, couldn't care less of their surroundings. The air got electrified, adding more strength to the tension between the two.

 

"You're not sorry Rogers and you'll never be." The genius fumed again. He was struggling to find a reason to believe the man in front of him, he needed a cause to tame his raging storm. He was desperate for a good memory that'd mend his shattered heart, hungry for a reason that'd bring him back to his family but there wasn't any, they were all smudged with bad blood. "Every moment Rogers, every minute we spent together turned into memories that throb with pain, they feel like daggers cutting through my chest every time I think about you." His eyes shone with hot tears but he couldn't let them fall, he couldn't let himself break in front of Steve. "Do you remember every word you ever said to me? Remember how you constantly make me feel like a waste of space? Have you seen the amount of hatred and malice that were flooding your eyes that night?"

 

Knots twisted in Steve's stomach, giving him a sick feeling from recalling the past. "And now you suddenly appear out of nowhere wanting me to believe that I'm loved? That you guys care? You don't give a flying fuck about me. You're not sorry about anything Rogers, you're only here because you want Iron man back." His tone laced with distress and disappointment. The conversation had reached an end to Stark, he couldn't dig deeper in his emotional chaos. Steve, on the other hand, didn't want to drop it and set Tony free, he made a promise that he'd staple the wounds shut again.

 

Tony started to get up to leave, color draining from his face. "That's not true Tony," Steve rose to his feet quickly, his hoodie tightening around his chest as the muscles underneath contracted with tensity. He extended a hand to hold a strong grip on Tony's shoulder but he blocked it powerfully, sending the man's hand flying backward. Tony stared deeply at the muscular guy, enabling him to read his eyes, "Save your talk Rogers, stay out of my life." He reached for his umbrella and kicked off to leave, Steve followed pleadingly, "Hey I know I didn't deserve the love and respect you gave but we're a family Tony, I can't just simply give you up." Steve tried to clear the polluted image that'd printed in Tony's brain but it was no use. Tony opened the cafe's door, getting exposed to a freezing wind, loaded with heavy rain. He quickly put up his umbrella and faced Steve again, "It's too late, I already made up my mind. I wish I could restart everything but you see, it's impossible." He wanted to walk away but Steve inched forward not giving up on his failing attempts, "I promise you, Tony, I'll do better. I'll correct the mistakes, It's never too late, we can do this together." He assured, raw emotions taking control of his voice. "No, it is late." Tony corrected, "Give the others my regards, tell them they did a terrible job writing you the apology." He added and turned to walk against the howling winds leaving Steve rooted to his spot. "Tony stop, I'm not done talking to you." Steve fired hopelessly, holding onto what seemed to be his last chance. Although he knew that it was absolutely useless to even try at that point.

 

Tony stark's cheeks were already glistening with tears of a heartbreak, "Goodbye Rogers, you'll hear about me soon." He croaked and disappeared into the dark soaking streets, wishing he could rewind the time and change his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Tony is the light of my life, he deserves better ugh. So this was kind of rushed, I'm not the best writer out there 'obviously' but I'm a beginner and still trying so hope you guys enjoyed it :))  
> Also I uploded this in both Tumblr and Wattpad so if you somehow have read it there, just know that it's me lol the same peraon. Ok i'm lame bye


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